Hagane no Kaiki Soudan
by RadiantElf
Summary: Another collection of silly one shots! Including pirates, crossovers, everyones favorite blond alchemist and whatever else pops into my or a friends head. Redone rated T for possible language.
1. Mindfulness

_Just some silliness I made up. Hoorah for one shots. This one is titled "Mindfulness". Please don't shoot me for this if you find it offending. This chapter pokes fun at the ideal of mindfulness, apparently common in Buddhist beliefs. I actually showed this to a Buddhist, and she thought it was funny. So. Plus, I actually think Ed capable of this. I however, am not. So I made a one shot. D_

_Ed: Disclaimer._

_Magic: Ner…_

_Ed: You have to let him out of the closet SOMETIME._

_Magic: Fine. _

_Disclaimer: Magic owns none of FMA. In fact, she doesn't own this computer, font, color, website, word processor, or the jeans she's wearing. Not even her hair scrunchie. Earrings. NAIL POLISH. rambles on but people have stopped listening_

* * *

Edward Elric sat at the base of a oak tree in his backyard, his golden eyes closed in fierce concentration. He seemed relatively peaceful, although completely ignoring his surroundings, when his younger brother clanked out of the nearby house. 

"Uh, Ed?" Alphonse said. No response. "Brother…our train is leaving soon." Still no response. Alphonse decided to risk being flipped or crushed or hit in general, not that it would really hurt him, seeing as he was a suit of armor, which the author is continuing to remind him of but oops he just glared at me… Make it stop TINCAN!

Alphonse wanted the fan fiction to continue, and arguing with the authoress is a dangerous, useless task, so he sicked a kitten on the author of screen and shook Ed's shoulder. Edward's right eye flipped open, while the other remained shut. He didn't move from lotus position, his arms out in a meditative style.

"I am being mindful…and living in the moment." He said simply. Alphonse seemed confused by this.

"But we have a train to catch in twenty minutes."

"LIVING IN THE MOMENT!" Edward barked fiercely, still managing not to move

"But what about the Philosopher's Stone?" Alphonse asked, starting to get worried.

"I am living in the moment, and don't recall this… 'Philosopher's Stone'." Ed said, closing his right eye. Alphonse scooted away.

"Who are you and what have you done with brother! More importantly, what about ME? I DON'T WANT TO STAY A SUIT OF ARMOR!" Alphonse cried, falling over and freaking out on the ground. Winry emerged from the house.

"Uh, Ed? Al?" She said. "You know your trains leaving soon."

"LIVING IN THE MOMENT!" And with that, a stick hit Winry in the head. There was a long pause…And then a solid thud as Winry chucked her wrench at Edward.

"…Ow. What happened?" Edward said from his new position sprawled out on the ground.

"You were 'living in the moment'. YOU FORGOT ABOUT MEEE!" Alphonse whined.

"You threw a stick at the wrong person, SHORTY." Winry said, going back into her house.

"I'M STILL GROWING SO DON'T CALL ME SHORT YOU MECH OTAKU!!! Anyway…Wow. That was weird. I think I should get rid of those books I got from that garage sale on 'mindfulness'."

"Good brother! We'll burn them, and no one else will have this problem again!" Alphonse said, happy his brother was going to do the right thing for once.

"Actually, I think I know someone who could use these Al…" Edward said, smirking as he looked up from writing an address on the package with the series of three books in it. Alphonse merely sighed.

_Colonel Roy Mustang_

_Central City, Amestris Military HQ_

_Office 56_

…_No return address._

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_Bad? OOC? You hate me and wish I would die? Review, and I will give you...another chapter. Joy of joys, don't you think?_


	2. I wish I had a smoothie

_Ever wondered what happened in final fantasy if your entire party got paralyzed? Well...one brave-_

_Lamia: More like bored._

_BRAVE adventuring party decided to find out one day. And because they are silly generic FF sprites, they brought Ed, Al, and Winry along, because they're__ out of phoenix downs and once read in a book something about alchemists bringing people back to life. Obviously, they've never seen the series. Edward is traveling along to observe first hand the setting of his newest video game. It doesn't make much sense. D _

_So. The party:_

_Alo - warrior. is stoned. Quite literally stone. NOT ON DRUGS._

_Sock - our wonderful red mage_

_Julus - the sadistic white mage. Haven't quite figured out how that works yet..._

_Lamia - the crappy defense thief _

_Lamia: It's not my fault! Sock keeps stealing all the good armor._

_Magic: You're a THIEF! STEAL IT BACK!_

_Sock: ...hugs armor protectively_

_Ed: I have a smoothie. D_

_All: o.0_

_**Disclaimer:**__ I own neither FMA nor Final Fantasy. _

_**FF terms: **_

_Stone- when an annoying blue and white giant hummingbird makes the character into a stone statue_

_phoenix down- revives one KO'd ally _

_white mage- a wizard skilled in defensive magic_

_red mage- a wizard skilled in offensive magic_

_black mage- a wizard skilled in offensive magic_

* * *

"So, are we heading back to Melmond now?" Asked Julus as she twirled the mithril hammer in her hands and watched as Ed stared entranced by it. 

"I guess. Say, why the heck do I have to carry her?" Lamia asked, 'her' being the stone figure he was forced to drag behind him. Julus and Sock exchanged a look, and decided not to answer.

"This random rocks really pretty though. It's listed under key items in our inventory, what do you think it does?" Sock was referring to the huge ruby they had recently found after squashing the terrifying vampire of Melmond. Terrifying vampire, yeah, right. But it was red...Sock liked red. That's why he became a red mage after all, they wear a red hat. And, he likes fire. A lot. But fire burns. A lot. So, being skilled in both black and white magic, he could light things on fire AND magically cure third degree burns! YAY FOR SOCK! And now we don't care.

"Things in this universe are very...shiny." Ed said, grabbing the ruby from Sock.

"MY ROCK!" Sock lunged at Ed. "Is my precious...PRECOIUS! NO TOUCHY!"

"...And you're usually so serious. I WONDER where my PEPSI stash went..."

"Help? Maybe?" Ed said from his position under the Pepsi high mage.

"Eh. SLAVE!" She turned to Lamia. "HALT."

"I'm not your freaking-" Julus held up her silver hammer menacingly.

"Feh. You're a white mage! You can't do anything with that stupid hammer!"

_WHAM! _And then, Lamia lay crumpled on the ground, with only 'x's for eyes. Julus watched closely as a white number appeared over his head.

"124. Haha." She said proudly.

"124?" Edward said blankly. "How the heck can a white mage do 124 damage?"

"Like THIS." The hammer went up again.

"Eep. No need to do that really... Um..." The chibi alchemist disappeared behind the statue of Alo.

"Winry?" Said Al from a while off. He had his body back because I said so, so his dusty blond hair swung around his face as he looked for the blond mechanic.

"What?" She said as she emerged from a few trees.

"How come I'm always ignored?"

"Because. Now, do you think I should tell those guys-" She pointed ahead at the actual adventuring party. "That there is a camp of seven level 21 zombies/phantoms/dead things

with weapons ahead...or not?"

"Eh." And they walked towards them, sat on the statue Alo, and waited. Ed blinked. They waved, then turned to watch Lamia, Julus, and Sock closely.

"Hey! We got lined up for a..." Julus started.

"Random battle. Damn it." Sock added.

"Wow. That's the amazing final fantasy power to menacingly finish each other sentences, don't ya know." Winry whispered behind her hand to Al. Al nodded seriously and continued watching as a horde of zombie skeleton dead stuff with weapons jumped out of the woods.

"MRH HAR GARBAH!" They screamed. Julus and Sock just turned to look at them. "MRH HAR GARBAH!" They repeated. Blank stares. "Oh come on guys, can't you scream or SOMETHING? Throw us a bone! WE'RE DEAD!" Several others muttered agreement at a zombies outburst.

"Sorry, our limited amount of sprites significantly restrains our emotions." Lamia answered.

"Oh. Well, WE THINK DEAD IS APPROPRIATE!" Charge.

"Sigh. Lame. I suck anyway, but since I have the second highest amount of HP...I don't care!" Said Julus and the random battle started. Sock chose this moment to realize he only had 47 HP left.

"I wish I knew how much HP I had left at any given moment." Ed muttered. They lined up, Sock next to the statue where Al and Winry were sitting, then Julus, then Sock. The monsters attacked, quickly paralyzing Sock and Lamia.

"Oh come on guys, I'm a WHITE MAGE! I SUCK!" Julus cried, wishing she had just one gold needle... Which they had spent earlier when Alo got stoned. Lamia and Sock sent her glares out of the corner of their eyes, clearly saying: _Well, we'd answer that, but we're STONE. _Julus thought quickly. It would defy every single law of final fantasy if she did what she WANTED to do, but at the moment she didn't really care. She reached into Alo's pack, that had managed to stay normal, and withdrew the mithril longsword within. Sock and Lamia managed to gasp and widen their eyes.

"Hey, you can't do that! That's against the rules!" Ed yelled.

"SO?" Julus retorted as she charged into the mob, swinging the sword left and right, and miracrously managing to cause SOME damage. Meanwhile, Sock was getting carved out by zombies as everyone ignored this fact; he died, somehow sprawling out across the ground even though he died in a crouch.

"SOCK!" Lamia cried out, temporarily unparalyzed.

_Slice slice slice._

And then the poison claws quickly remedied this. Yah oops. Meanwhile, Julus had to pull back, the sword getting too heavy for her, her skill not enough with it to kill anything. And then, she got paralyzed too. She dropped the sword, realized Sock was dead, and that nobody was left moving in the next five seconds. _...Crap. _Lamia probably thought the same thing. Winry, Al, and Ed watched, although they started to get bored when they realized all that was happening...was essentially nothing. The zombies would each take a slice at the two adventurers, then start over again in an endless cycle. While they wanted to help...

They decided not too. When their HP was nearing the critical low point, Ed nodded and stood up.

"So that's what happens if the whole party gets paralyzed. Okay, thanks guys!" And with that, he pulled a game boy advance out of his pocket and walked away, the trademark _ding _heard as he flipped it on. Winry and Al looked at each other and shrugged.

"Wanna go get ice cream?" She asked.

"Sure." He replied. And they walked off. Ed suddenly ran back, and, looking in each direction, grabbed Sock's ruby and then sprinted off, and with Julus's dying breath she thought one thing.

_Going to kill that midget one day...KILL. BLOODILY. WITH A SPOON. SO IT TAKES A REEEAALLLL LOOONNNGGG TIIIIIIMMMMEEE... Dies._

* * *

_Don't really know where that came from. I know no ones reviewing, but I'm bored...so I made this. Please review? By the way: Lamia is a FF IV monster, so I don't own that name. But the character concepts for all of them, plus the name Julus and Sock, IS MINE! Alo is a name that was made by my friend. Steal and be chewed out by her. I love Julus. She's cool. Like everything I'd want to be. Except I'd prefer to be a warrior... Oh yeah. And what happens after this? Well... It gets kind of weird, and we're not sure, but somehow we just end up where we last 'saved'. Weird, huh?_


End file.
